Hiding.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, to make the situation better.
I don't understand what happened, I don't understand what changed.
If I said something wrong, call me out. If you got what you wanted, then tell me your leaving.
If you found someone better...

Come to the beach.
Forget all your problems.
Listen to the laughter and wash your cares away.
Let the sun shine and sink into the skin and remember me just once.

Blossom and bloom in the springtime sun,
Hide in the shade of the umbrella.
Dream about tomorrow
smile for yesterday,
And bathe in the warm moonlight.

The tingle of the first touch,
The butterflies before the kiss,
The wait for the text,
The anxiety for the reply.
When will I feel it again,
Why did you find it so quick?

I want to find him. And I want it to be remarkable.

Confusion.

Every girl is self conscious in some respect.. It's a given.. A girl that has just had her heart ripped out of her chest even more so. You think that a guy would understand that. But maybe this is my flaw; expecting too much. expecting that you will understand, that you would want to care. It's so hard to know why u stop talking, thinking that you don't care anymore.. Maybe I'm just over reacting, but is it too much to ask for some reassurance that its okay that I'm self conscious? Is there some group that I'm suppose to know about that deals with boy-girl etiquette?!

losing memories.

Take a step back, and breath a little. 

Give it time and let the air rest. 

Craziness and torture will not make it better, or make the issure resolved. 

The truth is more complicated than just black and white.

You wonder and your beauty,

are lost on the thoughts of a boy.

To want and to have are two separate things,

and to feel special is something else entirely.

Curiosity.

I want to know it all.
I want to know all the bad things, all the good things, everything.
I want to know about all the girls...
I want to know if I'm the exception.

Is that too much to ask for?

a new beginning.

I have these moments. These wonderful, blissful moments of clarity that I am where I am suppose to be, and then they disappear into the cloudy muck of life and I become unsure again. The break up was the worst thing I have ever had to deal with, and I now know that it really is for the best... but I have these fleeting thoughts that come and go... what if I don't find anyone? What if noone loves me again? What if.... and then the thought is gone and I am content again.
And what of my crumpled up heart? It's healing slowly. It's living a life of singledom. but it craves something more. It craves the skip of a beat, a cute smile, a cute text... And I got it. I asked the universe for someone to come and make me happy, and the universe answered in the way of the cute singer. the adorable, gentle, humble guy. but.. There is always a 'but'.... *sigh* .... I really cant handle the unpredictableness of him. He wigs out and doesnt text and then im left alone again, without anything, feeling alone. He had my heart, years ago, and he lost it... and now he's pulling at its strings again... And it is so easy to get attached, but how can I trust it? I dont know what to think, or what to do. Im not asking for this crazy, intense love affair, but at least a little bit of stability would be great. I hate not knowing. Not knowing why his text's changed, not knowing if what he is saying is the truth... thinking that he is the way he was before, and I think that hurts to much. I have hurt too much in the past 2 months to go down this road... And it got to the point where I was closing the door, locking it and moving on... And then he comes back. And im back to the fork in the road, without having a road map telling me what I should do.
But then... another 'but'?! yes, another 'but'... I have a crush. A new, shiny, complicated crush that really isnt going away. complicated I hear you say, yes, my best friend's best friend... awkward much?? yep pretty much. and i really cant do anything about it, which really sucks. and he is such a friggin gentleman, that he doenst want to upset our friend. But I dont know what I am suppose to do. What is right, and what will make me happy.

Life wasnt meant to be easy right? No, but I sure as hell wish it wasnt this hard.