The downfall of us all.

It's you, you and you. How should I think it could be any different?

You left me alone in the dark, you left me alone to cry. Im stumbling around, fumbling, alone, not knowing where to go. Thinking you would come back, and being sorely mistaken. Getting over you, and still letting you get to me. This is it, this is the end. Where do I go from here?

You come at me with judgement and distaste, and leave me with doubt and regret. I need to get out, I need to be free, but how do I do that without losing you in the process? your anger pushes me away so quick.. Stop before you loose me quicker.

You. I can't get you out of my head, and i am falling deeper. I can't go down this road, not again. When will someone like me? When will someone want me. Do you? Do you want me? I couldnt believe I'd felt what I did when you said.. What you said. How was that possible? And unlocking you is like unlocking a safe. But will I like what I find if I open it?


You, You and You. You will be the downfall of me.

1st, 2nd, 3rd.

I'm sick of being everybody's second choice. My whole life I have settled for being being 2nd or 3rd. 2nd daughter, 3rd best friend. and the only person that put me 1st, above himself, I let go. I try so hard to please those who don't put me first, I lost him. He was the first to ever be my friend, to look to me for advice... And when I need his hugs and kisses, I feel even worse knowing that he has someone else.


No other guy has ever looked at me first. I'm the friend, the secret, the one night stand because the girl you really want isn't ready.. Or even worse - the "we'll see.." line. I'm over it. I don't want to be someone's 2nd choice anymore. I want a guy that will take me out, tag me on Facebook and be fucking proud of it, not worried about what others will think. I'm not going to be the "inside joke" between you and your friends, because they think I'm oh so in love with you. News flash: I'm not.

Angry rant over, but it doesn't change the fact I'm never first -.- ... When will that change?!

Hiding.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, to make the situation better.
I don't understand what happened, I don't understand what changed.
If I said something wrong, call me out. If you got what you wanted, then tell me your leaving.
If you found someone better...

Come to the beach.
Forget all your problems.
Listen to the laughter and wash your cares away.
Let the sun shine and sink into the skin and remember me just once.

Blossom and bloom in the springtime sun,
Hide in the shade of the umbrella.
Dream about tomorrow
smile for yesterday,
And bathe in the warm moonlight.

The tingle of the first touch,
The butterflies before the kiss,
The wait for the text,
The anxiety for the reply.
When will I feel it again,
Why did you find it so quick?

I want to find him. And I want it to be remarkable.

Confusion.

Every girl is self conscious in some respect.. It's a given.. A girl that has just had her heart ripped out of her chest even more so. You think that a guy would understand that. But maybe this is my flaw; expecting too much. expecting that you will understand, that you would want to care. It's so hard to know why u stop talking, thinking that you don't care anymore.. Maybe I'm just over reacting, but is it too much to ask for some reassurance that its okay that I'm self conscious? Is there some group that I'm suppose to know about that deals with boy-girl etiquette?!

losing memories.

Take a step back, and breath a little. 

Give it time and let the air rest. 

Craziness and torture will not make it better, or make the issure resolved. 

The truth is more complicated than just black and white.

You wonder and your beauty,

are lost on the thoughts of a boy.

To want and to have are two separate things,

and to feel special is something else entirely.

Curiosity.

I want to know it all.
I want to know all the bad things, all the good things, everything.
I want to know about all the girls...
I want to know if I'm the exception.

Is that too much to ask for?

a new beginning.

I have these moments. These wonderful, blissful moments of clarity that I am where I am suppose to be, and then they disappear into the cloudy muck of life and I become unsure again. The break up was the worst thing I have ever had to deal with, and I now know that it really is for the best... but I have these fleeting thoughts that come and go... what if I don't find anyone? What if noone loves me again? What if.... and then the thought is gone and I am content again.
And what of my crumpled up heart? It's healing slowly. It's living a life of singledom. but it craves something more. It craves the skip of a beat, a cute smile, a cute text... And I got it. I asked the universe for someone to come and make me happy, and the universe answered in the way of the cute singer. the adorable, gentle, humble guy. but.. There is always a 'but'.... *sigh* .... I really cant handle the unpredictableness of him. He wigs out and doesnt text and then im left alone again, without anything, feeling alone. He had my heart, years ago, and he lost it... and now he's pulling at its strings again... And it is so easy to get attached, but how can I trust it? I dont know what to think, or what to do. Im not asking for this crazy, intense love affair, but at least a little bit of stability would be great. I hate not knowing. Not knowing why his text's changed, not knowing if what he is saying is the truth... thinking that he is the way he was before, and I think that hurts to much. I have hurt too much in the past 2 months to go down this road... And it got to the point where I was closing the door, locking it and moving on... And then he comes back. And im back to the fork in the road, without having a road map telling me what I should do.
But then... another 'but'?! yes, another 'but'... I have a crush. A new, shiny, complicated crush that really isnt going away. complicated I hear you say, yes, my best friend's best friend... awkward much?? yep pretty much. and i really cant do anything about it, which really sucks. and he is such a friggin gentleman, that he doenst want to upset our friend. But I dont know what I am suppose to do. What is right, and what will make me happy.

Life wasnt meant to be easy right? No, but I sure as hell wish it wasnt this hard.

Untitled thoughts for an untitled mind.

I look into the world and there are all these different people and characters and it is such a wonder. Where did they come from and where are they going? I could sit on a train and watch all the types of people come and go and be more confused at the end of the day than at the beginning. who are these people? What makes them tick? Do they have any deep, dark secrets?

I'm sitting on a train currently and hate it when I'm on the bogan and derro carriage.. Ewwwww! No drugged-up lady I don't want you touching me.. I am actually ignoring you! Ahh she's getting off.. Okay the only thing worse than a drugged up lady is a little lad. Fucking thinkin he's all that.. News flash! You. Are. Not.

Travelling to the tunes of linkin park and lost prophets. Seeing Fast and the Furious 5 in half an hour.. Ohhhhhhh yeah :)

mixed emotions.

What I once knew, I don't know anymore. The future is a ball of uncertainty, constantly changing with the seasons. I thought I knew what I wanted, where I was going, and now I think it's changing. I thought I loved him and now I'm not so sure. What do I do? Which decision is right? marriage and divorce is so flippant and common now. Is it so bad to want those traditional ideals of "forever"? 

I have this black cloud hanging in the distance and I don't know if I want it to stay there, in the distance and never come to pass, or if I yell and scream for the Universe to "bring it on"! What is right? What will secure my happiness? This move really took us one GIANT step back and I have no idea what to make of it. I don't know how to get back to what we were, and I don't know how to move forward. it's like we've jarred onto some alternate path that is stuck on re-run. Nothing changes, nothing gets better, but it doesn't get worse either.

Advice? I'm not really sure who to ask, because I want an honest unbiased opinion that doesn't have an ulterior motive behind it. So who do I ask? how do I know if what I am doing is unfair and too much, how do I know if what he is doing childish and immature?

I want positivity in my life, not pessimism and negativity. And right now thats all I seem to be getting.

new rant. aimed at noone in particular.

I have these friends. What I consider great friends. And it seems whatever I organise, they never come. last year; no shows. for the bf's birthday; no shows. gigs; no shows. why the F#*K do you agree to something if you know your not going to turn up?!?! I dont understand it. should i take it personally? i go to your things, you go to other friends' things... but not mine? "its okay, its just tiffany, she'll understand"... why the bloody hell should i? why should i take it when noone else will?! what is this a friendship of convenience to you? i lost TWO FRIENDS because of you, that in hindsight i would probly still be friends with, if i'd have done what i should have and stood up for them. Im 25 and still feel like im in damn high school trying to make all the effort.
well im bloody over this shit. so long.

birth of the day.

31 days ago, my sister was born. She was an only child for 7 and a bit years and then I came along. forever it then became "I was too young" to understand anything. Still now I don't understand and she knows more than me. I believe she is still a spoilt brat. I suppose that this will never change.

But I do love her. get frustrated by her. fight with her. and that is my prerogative because she is my sister. 

Cyclone Yasi. What a crazy storm. Watching it on TV really doesn't make it seem real. Its still images and stories that i cant see for myself. Of course I know it happened, but still... its seems unreal. What i wouldn't give to be Grant Denyer and see it for myself! And it's still going? Heading to Alice Springs.. Mmm Ive been there.. great place.. and now its in the path of a cyclone. great.. not..
I want to see its path, I want to see where its going now and where it dissipates! But they're not showing it :(

But in the wake of this devastation and rubble, the news of baby birth provides hope to some families.. i wonder if they'll name their bub "Yasi" lol.. or Yasmine.. mmm maybe not.

It must be love.

I sometimes wonder what happened to those "what-if's".. You know the guys thats could have been.. If I didn't meet HIM. Is it wrong to want to stay friends? Hell they never really knew how I felt anyway! They probly had no idea what I felt..
I love my man, he is amazing in every sense of the word, but sometimes I wonder what happened to those guys I once knew, that I talked to, drank with and party pashed. I had feelings for them once and hope they have have a wonderful life.. And if I could see them.. Talk to them once more.. I wonder what I would say?

Contradiction.

Contradiction and Hypocrisy. The world is full of it. "Make sure you call dad but don't annoy me with comments that I don't ring mum"... What's the difference there? It reminds of when we were kids and mum would always say "do as I say, not as I do"; where is the logic in that? I have always been a black and white kid - if you are going to tell me to do something, you better be prepared to do it yourself, or don't expect me to do it.
Sure, we are all guilty of being a contradiction or hypocrite now and again, but not every damn day. I wonder where you stop and hypocrisy begins, because the line is quite blurred.
I wonder sometimes; the true meaning of peoples intentions. When they tell half truths or leave out the bit they think is going to hurt. Honesty is brutal, honesty hurts like a bandaid. But honesty is truth and saves you from the lies created in the assumption of what is left unsaid. And, well, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Dont give me games and assumptions, give me honesty and truth. And if you don't like it, get out of my kitchen!