a new beginning.

I have these moments. These wonderful, blissful moments of clarity that I am where I am suppose to be, and then they disappear into the cloudy muck of life and I become unsure again. The break up was the worst thing I have ever had to deal with, and I now know that it really is for the best... but I have these fleeting thoughts that come and go... what if I don't find anyone? What if noone loves me again? What if.... and then the thought is gone and I am content again.
And what of my crumpled up heart? It's healing slowly. It's living a life of singledom. but it craves something more. It craves the skip of a beat, a cute smile, a cute text... And I got it. I asked the universe for someone to come and make me happy, and the universe answered in the way of the cute singer. the adorable, gentle, humble guy. but.. There is always a 'but'.... *sigh* .... I really cant handle the unpredictableness of him. He wigs out and doesnt text and then im left alone again, without anything, feeling alone. He had my heart, years ago, and he lost it... and now he's pulling at its strings again... And it is so easy to get attached, but how can I trust it? I dont know what to think, or what to do. Im not asking for this crazy, intense love affair, but at least a little bit of stability would be great. I hate not knowing. Not knowing why his text's changed, not knowing if what he is saying is the truth... thinking that he is the way he was before, and I think that hurts to much. I have hurt too much in the past 2 months to go down this road... And it got to the point where I was closing the door, locking it and moving on... And then he comes back. And im back to the fork in the road, without having a road map telling me what I should do.
But then... another 'but'?! yes, another 'but'... I have a crush. A new, shiny, complicated crush that really isnt going away. complicated I hear you say, yes, my best friend's best friend... awkward much?? yep pretty much. and i really cant do anything about it, which really sucks. and he is such a friggin gentleman, that he doenst want to upset our friend. But I dont know what I am suppose to do. What is right, and what will make me happy.

Life wasnt meant to be easy right? No, but I sure as hell wish it wasnt this hard.